Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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