when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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