I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
