I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
