i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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