I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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