ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
