omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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