Apparently you make a good broom.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
