Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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