when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
