We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
