Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am naked and annoyed.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
