I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
