i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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