i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
