i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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