shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
