Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
