just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
