My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
