Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
