...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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