The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
