my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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