So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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