96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
