Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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