hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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