Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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