Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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