I think my fart just growled at me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
