I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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