Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
