Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
