Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
