he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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