Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
