i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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