Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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