Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
