break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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