why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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