??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
