the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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