I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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