She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I didn't notice because vodka
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
