The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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