So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
