You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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