Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
