there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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