i jhust puked up my retainher.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
