Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
